Chapter 8

The next few months pass by smoothly. Claire was really jealous when she finally found out about my new car. Chris and I spent long hours working out details for my wedding which was happening in June, but progress was slow.

It’s April and Chris is over so we can go through yet another wedding catalog. Edwin stayed after school late for help in Calculus, my parents were still at work, and Amber and Ashton were just leaving for an afternoon date.

“Bye!” I call as Amber leaves the room giving me a very suspicious look.

“Bye.” She answers.

Once she and Ashton are outside, Chris scoots closer to me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. “I missed you,” he tells me.

“I missed you too.” I answer, looking up into his beautiful eyes. Silently, with a smile on both our lips, Chris leans down and kisses me gently. Our lips part and our tongues dance. Before too long we hear a gasp and a thud from near the garage door.

Chris and I jump apart and look towards the door. Amber is standing there wide mouthed, a wedding catalog on the ground under her still opened hands. After her initial shock subsided, I watch her face pass from shocked, through smug, and settle on pissed. She bends down and picks up the catalog. She walks it towards me.

“I just thought you could use this.” She says through gritted teeth, throwing the heavy catalog at me. “I thought you were really getting into this Hazel. I was excited, as we all were, to see you finally so determined and dedicated to your wedding. We thought things were finally going to work out. Don’t think I’m not going to tell Mom and Dad about this, _Sis._ Oh won’t they be just so thrilled to know their daughter, who is *engaged*, has been messing around with another boy! I would like to know what you were thinking, Hazel. You had to have realized you’d be hurting an already broken boy. Or were you just to wrapped up in your own pleasure to see the things around you? Edwin had to leave the love of his life just to be with you, Hazel. And what do you do? Throw his love away and choose someone else’s. It is sick.”

“Amber, you don’t understand!” I beg. “Please don’t tell anyone. I’ll do anything.”

“Oh you’ll pay. Trust me.” With that, she spins on her heels and storms out the door.

Once she leaves for the second time, I rest my head down on my knees. Tears stream from my eyes and small sobs escape my lips. _What was I doing? I knew I was hurting people… Was I really that selfish?_ I wasn’t sure how long I sat there but eventually, I felt Chris’ comforting arms around my waist. I knew that he was silently letting me know he still cared about me and would never let me fall.

Some hours later, I dried my eyes. I stand and head to the bathroom to wash my face. Chris follows me, checking to make sure I was alright. I told him I would be fine, but then I sent him home. He left me reluctantly. Once he had gone, I clean up the living room… and then my room… and then the upstairs bathroom. The cleaning takes my mind away from the things I don’t want to face, but I know sooner or later they are going to come crashing down upon me.

I am not totally presentable when Edwin and my parents come home. My parents arrive home first and call their hellos up to me. I rush around my room trying to finish everything. Edwin opens my door too soon and he notices my tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes.

“Have you been crying?” He asks, concern laying his voice that just wants to make me puke.

“Yeah...” I answer reluctantly.

“Was it that boy, Chris? Did he hurt you?” Edwin seems very angry and he steps closer, his arms stretch out as if to embrace me but they drop to his side suddenly.

“No! It’s not that at all…” I tell him, hurt that he would come to that conclusion first. I try to think of lie I can tell him for the question I know is coming.

“Then what’s wrong?” He says the expected question.

“I just… failed a big test at school, is all… It’s really silly…” I lie.

“Oh… Well, you’re a good student. I’m sure it won’t affect your grade much.” He says. “You okay?”

When I nod he leaves, glancing over his shoulder reluctantly. I could see that my tears made him uncomfortable and he was desperate to leave. With a sigh I flop down on my bed and stare at my ceiling.

I want to scream. I want hear his voice and feel his touch. It’s so wrong for me to feel this way. What I have done is wrong. I can’t stop my feelings for him. I am a terrible person. Banging my hand on the pillow. I hear a tap on the door and it starts to open. I cover my face in the pillow as someone walks in.

“Hey,” I hear Amber’s voice.

“What?” I grouch back, “Come in here to tell me that you have told everyone and now my life is a living hell.” I sit up and face her. Her expression turns to a frown when she sees my face, “Or how what I am doing is wrong. What I am feeling is wrong. Well go right ahead Amber!”

She remains silent. Just looking at me. My anger towards myself and her grows.

“What do you want Amber!”

“I haven’t told anyone! I won’t either, but your not going to get out of this with a free pass.”

My feelings should be punishment enough.

“I can’t help my feelings!”

“Well you can sure as hell control them better.”

“You don’t understand!”

“How do I not? Edwin has put all he has towards you and you push yourself to another guy! Don’t tell me I don’t understand!”

My tears fill completely to the point where I can’t make out her face.

“You don’t understand my feelings Amber!”

“What is there to understand? You just control how you give out your feelings!” I scream and let my head hit the pillow.

“Go away!” I yell to her.

“But…” Her voice suddenly sounds sympathetic.

“I don’t care if you tell mom or dad or Edwin. Go ahead!”

She doesn’t say a word, just walks out. I stay in my room the rest of the night. Telling my parents I didn’t feel well enough to eat dinner. I fall asleep still crying and feeling completely alone.

I wake up to the sound of my alarm. I look over to Amber who looks at me then gets out of bed without a word. Just before she walks out the door she stops and stares. She almost says something but then stops.

“I haven’t told anyone, that should be punishment enough,” She says flatly and walks out.

I stand slowly, feeling as if every muscle in my body hated me today. I drag my feet as I get ready for school. I stand in front of my open closet door for at least ten minutes trying to decide what to wear. Finally, I grab my favorite sweatpants and a simple tee shirt.

I grab a breakfast bar on my way out to my car, late as it was. Edwin is waiting for me in the passenger seat.

“Morning.” He says as I sit down and get settled.

“Morning…” I mumble back. Today was so not going to be my day.

The months and days blur into one. Amber is right. Her not spreading my little secret to everyone she knew was plenty punishment. I’ve stopped seeing Chris, and asked Claire to take of the Maid of Honor duties. Also, the guilt of what I’d done is gnawing away at my mind. Every touch from Edwin reminds me of Chris and it is taking all my strength not to go to him.

Most days I feel like crawling into some remote whole and just staying there for a good long while. Of course I can’t do this because my days are filled with school work and wedding plans. Claire comes over every day after school and most weekends to help me. She has taken if upon herself to make this the best wedding in the history of weddings. I just sit and smile and take it all in, trying my hardest to care even remotely.

Some days, I have fleeting thoughts… they scare me, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m not slipping into a depression. As the days go on, I find it harder and harder to keep up the appearance of being happy. I haven’t felt joy in my heart or had a smile reach my eyes in weeks. Shortly, thoughts of ending this guilt and dread frequented my mind.

And, as was likely, people noticed.

“Are you paying attention?” Claire asks; bring me back from my thoughts of my might-be-depression.

“Yeah. White. That would be best.” I tell her, trying my best to smile.

Claire nods and eyes me wearily. “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” I answer.

“Hazel… I’m worried about you.” She tells me. There is caring in her voice and in her eyes. I can see just how much she loves me just from the way she looks at me. Yet, strangely, I can’t find the part of me that cares about that. I can’t fathom why she should love me as she does, but then I remember that she doesn’t know what I had done to Edwin.


I smile a small, tired, sad smile and sigh. “Don’t. I’m fine. Really.”

“Okayyy…” She says slowly, but then she thankfully returns to the planning.

I close my eyes and open them again, "I'm not fine. I'm not."

Tears fill my eyes and she looks up at me.

"Hazel!" She comes up to me and hugs me.

"Something is wrong, Claire. You wouldn't understand if I told you. You would hate me," I say as the tears roll down.

"Nothing in the world would make me hate you. I can try to understand and I want to help. Please tell me what has made you this way."

I tell her the whole story, Start to finish. When Chris took me the lake for the first time. The first time we kissed. Part of the time I can't even look at her cause I was to afraid of what she thinks. I tell her about how Amber found out and how guilty I feel. When I finish I slowly look up at her. Her face is emotionless. I prepare for the worst, shouldn't have told her.

"Claire?" I finally say after a long silence.

"Seems like you have been through a lot."

"Ya, I'm sorry I didn't tell you at first. I didn't want you to think of me any differently."

"I don't think of you any differently, Hazel. I knew that you liked him, but I didn't know this. I still think your the same kind and caring person. How guilty you feel shows that. I love ya girl, no matter how cared away you got."

I smile for the first time in months and Claire notices. She smiles too and there is a moment of silence again.

"Hazel, I know this marriage isn't exactly what you want, but you have to make the best of it. You can't miss out on all the possible good times by how you feel. So lets just get through this wedding and I will hold you up every step of the way."

Her smile is reassuring and I hug her.

It feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Claire and I sit on my living room floor for another hour or so. I just lean against her shoulder and we talk. There were no more wedding plans, or things to make me realize my childhood was ending too soon and my future coming behind at full throttle. Claire and I talk and laugh and just enjoy ourselves like old times until she has to go home.

“Do you want to come over for dinner?” She asks me as we are standing in my front doorway.

“Yeah…” I say, hesitating a minute. “It would be nice to get out of this house.”

Claire just nods like she understands. I write a note for my parents telling them where I was and when I would be home so they don’t freak out on me and then follow Claire out to her car.

“There is a party tonight if you want to go to that…” She tells me, not sure what I was up to.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I was up to either at that moment, but I figured I should ride this happiness high while it lasted.

“Sure.” I say, nodding my head just once. I made a promise to myself right there and then that I would do my best to make the most of my situation. Meaning no more moping around acting like my life sucked.

We get to her house and eat dinner. Claire is an excellent cook because it is just her and her dad, who works late a lot of the time. I help where I can, but Claire has learned I am horrible at cooking anything. After dinner, I do the dishes to make myself useful while Claire picks out clothes for me to borrow.

I walk upstairs and find a gorgeous outfit laying on her bed waiting for me. I highly doubt that it’ll look even halfway as decent actually on me, but it was worth a try. I threw on the baby blue halter top and the midnight black mini skirt she paired with it for me and meet her in her bathroom.

She is wearing a pink low-cut, halter mini dress that shows off her tattoo on her right shoulder blade. I gaze at it for a minute and remember her begging me to get one with her the year before. Her dad found out about it a few months later and she got grounded, but she swears it was worth it.

“Here.” She says, seeing me in the mirror and tossing me some silver, shimmer eye shadow. I put it on carefully, having learned that if I don’t do it perfectly, Claire will redo, and overdo, it.

We finish our make-up and head out to the car, having done this plenty of times before.